Thursday, December 15, 2011

This is a late-night post, most definitely. Or early-morning, whatever you prefer. But for me, this is about bedtime or an hour outside of it. What is a late-nite post, anyhow? One that borders on lack o' judgment, usually. I've sent a few late-nite emails lately and it hasn't turned out all bad. The one I sent to Lois Duncan ended up with a surprisingly quick and personal reply from her--and if you haven't read any of her young adult fiction, you really ought to. And M Ryan Taylor has been pretty nice, too, considering haha.
I'm in my office--down the hall, in the living room, Something's Gotta Give is playing. Sometimes I put movies on for the white noise-ness, for the illusion of another person's presence. Then again, it could be just because I'm addicted. Movies are a legal escape, you know.
I've had a pretty crazy December--Messiah sing-a-long, Christmas recital for my students, and now finishing planning the choir's Christmas program---I kind of wonder how it's going to turn out, but I'm not too worried--it is just for church, after all, and if all else fails, we could always sing a bunch of Christmas carols from the hymnbook and who doesn't like that? :) Our ward recently split, though, and I was told that there is some kind of background worry that the program will be good enough or something like that because "our" ward is in charge of the combined service---versus the other ward? I don't know. All I know is that my music chairperson was adamant that we try to use equal amount of ward members from each ward, and more from the other ward wouldn't hurt. Personally, I don't give a damn about that kind of bullshit. If that's what is really going on, then it boils down to two wards competing to see who can honor Christ better. haha Oh, we humans can be so petty sometimes, right?
I suppose I have a serious topic in mind that I feel like putting out in the "open" right now. I'm thinking about quitting the LDS church. It's something I've thought about for years. Years spent in a constant emotional inconstancy---I have long termed the status quo of my faith in the Mormon religion as a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. My family and my close friends know it and just roll their eyes. I'm getting tired of the ups and downs, though. I'm ready to try to find a more stable place, a healthier view of my own spirituality, and try to not be angry at God.
I've been reading a lot of ex-Mormon blogs, posts, etc. I don't always agree with all of the viewpoints, but it's interesting to read. If I do leave, I may or may not need a support group. I may or may not need therapy. Knowing myself, I won't get the therapy and I won't join a support group. I just don't function that way.
I've been trying to mentally prepare myself by thinking about my spirituality outside the confines of a set religion, a prepared set of beliefs, an organisational system. All I can come up with so far is my connection with flora and fauna. Would I still pray? Would I still give thanks? I'm trying to prepare myself for those kinds of things. If I don't believe in codependent prayer the way the Mormons do, I can still send good thoughts toward others. I can still state aloud that I'm grateful for my life, and the trees and the wind and the moon and the sun may acknowledge it. And what about the idea of a supreme creator? A god or a goddess? I must say that this world seems suspiciously like it was created by a man or men for a man or men, but does anyone really know for sure? And if the proof that there is a supreme creator is that this world couldn't have just sprung out of nothing, then what is the rationale for the supreme creator's beginnings? Should I even care? Does it really matter? Shouldn't I just be concerned with living my life the best that I can? Am I prepared to say wholeheartedly that I don't believe in God, the Bible, or the Book of Mormon?
Now: why? The patriarchal order of it all is one big, huge impetus. Training the women to rely on men for spiritual advice (bishops, stake presidents, etc.), for protection and leadership (the father of our home leads the family...), for relationship-building (God and yet not his supposed wife and our supposed mother), for side-taking (either the evil male son Lucifer or the good son Jesus), the cruel, morally wrong, and perverted practise of polygamy (and the church deems homosexuality to be an abomination?!). The LDS idea of heaven is another reason. In order to reach the utmost level of happiness, as a woman, you must agree to continually bear offspring and then stand aside while the men just create world after world and rule them like crazy. It just doesn't seem appealing--not any of it. I wouldn't mind an eternal, cozy nothingness after I die.
So, I am considering it very seriously. What do I believe if I don't have anybody telling me what my feelings mean anymore? I believe that I would be less angry and conflicted.
I have found that you can remove your names from the church records via email now, and that seems like a nice, efficient way to go--not to mention that you'll have a nice, electronic copy as proof that you did send it.
As time has gone by, I am realising more and more that I just don't believe in most of what the church puts out. I am not really a Mormon, but I've sure tried hard to make myself believe that I could be (if only I were better, different, more faithful, etc).
End of late-nite spouting and bad writing haha.

1 comment:

Connie Babe said...

Briana Elaine,

Our bi-ward program..rolling my eyes here..I'm not here that day so we have to use their pianist. I heard when they were going to be practicing, but heard one lady didn't want us to come. I thought that was ridiculous. We're using the same pianist...she's there...don't make her go up two different nights, so I just told our choir to go (they didn't know the behind the scenes). My choir shows up...gets a few looks but they don't realize...and then, everyone ends up singing both songs instead of separating out...which is what I wanted anyway. If we're meeting together, we can sing together. You know? Craziness about showing someone up. I'll out-passive-aggressive them any day!

My advice about church? Even though you didn't ask? Careful of the blogs and message boards. There's some angry and hateful people out don't need that. But mostly, follow your gut. From my viewpoint, I just want all of us to be hooked eternally...I recently asked my youngest if any of my children were going to be 'Mormons'...she said, "It's like you said mom, before I was sealed to you, that heaven is fair and if we all make it, then God won't keep you from being my daughter."

What can I say when she uses my own words and means it?

And eldest (don't you love how I'm not using names in my mile long comment?) is wanting to move to Kentucky to be with her girlfriend. She considers herself bisexual. As difficult as this is for me to just let go and let be...I'll not call her names or berate her...nor allow anyone else to do it in my presence. She's still my child. And I refuse to believe that God is any less fiercely protective of her just because she's all kissing on a girl.

I'm writing too much.

Just want you to know that not everything is black and white. Supposedly it is, but it's not.

Just want you to know that I love you and that'll never change. Even if I don't see you or get to enjoy your energy very often. You're one of my people.

Eternal cozy nothingness sounds good about now... :)

Merry Christmas!