Monday, May 31, 2010

So I realise (British spelling :) that it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog...thanks to my stepbrother who checked in 2009 and also in 2010 haha. I think I originally started this blog with the intention of listing things I was grateful for and we'll see if I'm in the right state o' mind to continue :).

I'm in the last year of my 20's and I want it to be momentous. I've always said that I couldn't wait until I turned 30 and now that it's around the corner, I'm honestly a little worried. I mean, it doesn't seem that long ago that I was 20 years old which means it won't be that long before I'm 40 and my life is halfway over. What am I going to do this year?! Weeeelllllll:

I quit the call center scene for good, for one. I've never really had a problem working at call centers and being on phones all day because, A, they're usually pretty easy jobs to get (which is helpful when you're addicted to not settling down and moving a lot), B, they pay okay for entry level, C, they're pretty flexible, and D, you can usually wear whatever you like. I don't know, I finally burned myself out. I told myself I wouldn't work at them anymore and then went and got hired at one in Oak Ridge. But at least it was only a bicycle's commute away and paid way better than the center I was commuting daily to (45 minutes each way) in Knoxville. It was a bit of a letdown to be let go on my first day of the new call center because of traffic violations from 5 years ago. But it was also a little liberating. I took some time to have a little breakdown and then I said that I wasn't going to 'work for the man' for a while. And I'm not.

I'm teaching piano and guitar lessons, for two. I've always talked about it and fretted and wondered if I could and now that it comes down to it, I have 9 lessons a week to teach and it's not as complicated or as scary as I'd always thought it would be. I've had these skills all these years and never utilised them to try and support myself. Wow. I had the best response from my craigslist ad and I've also had a lesson or two that's come from my mom's homeschool email group. I'm really enjoying teaching music, especially to people who want to learn. I am starting to understand why my teachers were always so frustrated with my slacking--it's so much more enjoyable when your students want to learn and do their homework so that you can really help them improve their abilities that much more. Anyhow, right now I'm able to pay rent, utilities, and my phone bill with the lessons alone. I'd like to take on a few more lessons.

I'm going back to school until I get my Bachelor's degree (at least), for three. This summer, I'm taking some courses that aren't really applicable to an English degree, but at least they'll raise my GPA since the University of Tennessee is somehow calculating my cumulative GPA a whole point lower than what my school is telling me I graduated with when I got my Associate's. I'd like to go to Tennessee Tech now anyhow--I've heard it's a muuuch better education, especially for the arts and humanities, and it's also muuuuch cheaper than UT. It is a bit of a drive, but if I plan it right, it won't be a problem.

I'm directing the ward choir at church, for four. I laughed when Brother Lowe first called me and asked me to do the calling because I haven't had aaaany experience. I still feel like such a klutz in front of my choir but they are so good and patient with me and I really am learning to enjoy it. I try to find songs that are a little different from the norm and so far, the choir seems to like them. As I'm also the primary pianist, I'm trying to find some children's songs for the choir to sing, too :).

I'm going to be able to see my sister give birth to her fourth child, for five. I've never been in Tennessee when she has her babies and I'm going to be able to share in that moment. I'm excited. :)

These are the 'for sure' events in the last year of my 20's. The 'pretty sure' events include: finally taking guitar lessons (yes, I just emailed someone on craigslist about it and yes, I'm serious), finally becoming fluent in Spanish, finishing and writing more songs, recording a CD, and gigging a lot.

Now, if I can just touch on something religious here. I've been feeling a large loss of faith since, well, my life didn't go quite the direction I hoped it would when I moved back to Tennessee in August last year. I held on for a while, but I finally fell. I do have the feeling that I could get back up and try again, that all my faith previous to this point hasn't been in vain (thank you, Laura), and that as long as I keep trying I'll be okay. My heart still hurts but I'm trying to move forward...anyhoo, back to the subject...Our choir sang Sweet is the Work today. They sounded beautiful and did a great job. I think music touches me so much--the combination of poetry and melodies just do me in. As we exited the stand and I went out the side door on my way back to my seat on the last row, I felt joy in the hallway. I turned back and smiled at the first choir member behind me, a young missionary. He smiled back. I think he felt the same way, too. I sat down next to my friend, feeling like reverently crying.

In primary, the director bore her testimony to the children before we sang a song and there was suddenly an influx of testimonies being borne by one child at a time. They spoke up and told stories that were heartfelt, and they were simple and they were about everyday life and they understood. They understood their faith and the teachings and they understood the impact it had in their life and that it could have on the life of others around them. I teared up behind the piano. These teachers that teach the children each Sunday, they love the children and the kids know it and are benefiting from it. Before the closing prayer, one child asked if they could all sing Sister Doe's favorite song for her because it was her last Sunday here--she and her family are moving to Wyoming. Church was officially over, but this room full of children waited patiently after the prayer was said, just waited for an adult to bring Sister Doe to the primary room so they could give her a final gift, the gift of a song, of music.

I'm grateful that I was raised in a home that was so full of music. I'm grateful that my mother taught me to sing and to play the piano and to appreciate music. I'm grateful that I was able to spend time with my grandparents today. I'm grateful that I'm being taken care of and that I'm able to have the luxury of not 'working for the man' right now. I'm grateful for the family and the friends that are so supportive and important to me and help me make it through when my head and my heart and my spirit is a mess.

And now I need to sleep :)